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The Legend of the Breezeway Bandit


As legend has it there is a man, or beast, inhabiting the Willinois region. Some say they have seen him; others have only smelled him. All know that he is real. Some who have not yet sensed his aura do not believe he exists.

As the legend goes he drifts through breezeways where the air is stagnant and still. It is here he releases the gaseous vapor from his blowhole, trapping the noxious fume so that by-passers are engulfed in the raging stank. Some believe they have heard it, and others believe it is silent, but all agree it is deadly.

Taco Bell is a favorite haunt, as well as White Castle, for it is these institutions that fuel him. Jewel and Dominick's are other favorite sites as well as the Piggly Wiggly and Farm and Fleet (Fart & Flee). It was at the Piggly Wiggly the Breezeway Bandit first appeared in the Willinois region.

Dressed mainly in jeans, T-shirt and baseball cap, the Breezeway Bandit takes no prisoners. The elderly, as well as infants, suffer the after-effects of the Bandit. Marjorie Miller, 89, of Wadsworth, IL claims to have been the first victim of the Bandit. Moving slowly through the breezeway at Lou Perrine's Gas Station (very fitting locale), the Bandit released it's toxic fume, trapping it in the breezeway for all who enter to succumb to. Miss Miller, widow of Henry "Hank" Miller who died in '89 at the hands of a similar freak of nature, the Stairwell Crapper (Hank slipped in a mysterious pile of dung in the hallway of his elder-care condo, spraining his left wrist. Finding it hard to wipe his own behind after droppin' the kids off at the pool, he lost his balance, took a tumble head-first into the tub, cracking his head against the built-in soap dish, and was left in a coma for 7 years before kicking it.) Anyway, Miss Miller entered the breezeway, moving along slowly with the accompaniment of her trusty cane, and was taken aback with the stench. She fell to the ground in a tuck-n-roll move she saw in a fire-fighting segment on the Discovery Channel and crawled out of Lou Perrine's, dropping her Big Chill Chunky Slurpee.

When the paramedics arrived on the scene, the only evidence of the Breezeway Bandit was a bluish gray film covering Miss Miller's body, and a bag of Funions.

Please heed these words as a plea for help as well as a warning. We plead to you for information concerning the whereabouts of this cruel beast. We need to find him to stop the evil path of destruction he has caused. Armed with a jar of beano and gas masks we plan to make the Willinois region safe again. Be wary in your efforts to find him as the government is also tracking this foul beast, interested in studying his toxic waste at area 51. Any information leading to his capture would be greatly appreciated. Do it for humanity.

Remember, the next time you approach a Breezeway to take caution (and a deep breath). Do not let the door behind you close before you break the seal on the next or you may be doomed. Also breath with relief once you are safely through for we cannot foresee where or when the Breezeway Bandit may strike again.